Friday, July 20, 2012

From Begins To Rises

With the third Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, due out tomorrow, I thought I'd post a quick recap for anyone who has forgotten the story up to now, or readers who plan on jumping in at this point without seeing the previous two[1].

Everything you need to know about the most recent movie version of Batman.

Steve Wayne is this dude who crashed to earth as a child and was raised by Amazonians before his uncle was killed in front of him down a dark alley. Wallowing in self pity, he was driving along a lonely road when an alien crashed, bestowing a powerful ring to him, powered by vengeance. Using the ring to form a hammer that can call down lightning, he hunted down this immortal dude from Star Wars, before battling the Clown Prince of Crime, Deadpool, and destroying most of the city he calls home, causing millions and millions of rupees in damages.

Somewhere along the way he successfully funneled billions of his own company's money, spending them on ridiculous inventions and experimental technologies for his own private, personal use.

Apart from that, all you need to know if that the police and, inexplicably, the citizens who have to put up with his wanton rampages and the resulting increase in taxes to cover city-wide repairs, allow him to continue operating. He's the hero the city needs, not the one it wants. Remember, he doesn't have to kill people, he just doesn't have to save them... which makes about as much sense as a cock flavored popsicle. While we're on the subject of nonsense, Batman never uses guns, unless they're on his car, the Quinjet, at which point it's okay to use only high caliber machine guns capable of shredding a person in half, but rockets as well. Also, he drives over people in their cars too while in his 2.5 tonne personal tank.

There's a reason the city doesn't want him.

You're welcome.

[1] - This was written for a friend who plans on doing the latter, so I hope I covered all the important points. In case I missed any, feel free to leave them in the comments.

1 comment:

Noel said...

You forgot about how he was bitten by a radioactive man, giving him the ability to vomit boxing gloves.